I left for Johannesburg last week Saturday. Before visiting the orphanage on the 5th of March I still have quite a busy program. When I packed on Friday, I had no clue what all to pack. First I was visiting my friend Julia and spent the weekend with her exploring Johannesburg. On Monday I drove to Sun City for a site inspection for my travel business. Tuesday and Wednesday I spend at the Sandton Convention Centre at MeetingsAfrica and while I’m writing this I’m in the Timbavati Private Game Reserve, adjacent to the Kruger National Park, doing some more site inspections, enjoying 2 nights in a luxury tented camp and jeep safaris.

And then of course Monday (the day after tomorrow, VERY soon….) it is possible that I’m meeting my future daughter. AAAARGGGHHHH! Friends ask me if I’m ready for it. I ask myself if I’m ready for it and then of course I start to worry a bit. Will I be a good mother? Will I be able to provide? Will I be able to love enough? Am I not completely crazy wanting to do this at this moment in my life? Should I not rather wait for a husband? Why do I have to do all these things (moving to South Africa, setting up a company, buying a flat and now a child) by myself? So yes, there’s lots of anxiety going on. But then I see a little girl and I ask myself: will my little girl look like her? Will she also be so cute and smile that way? I imagine myself having fun with my little girl. I imagine traveling with her. I imagine laughing, learning and experiencing loads of special moments together. And secretly I imagine meeting a lovely man who will completely accept my choices in life and will welcome my daughter and me into his life with an open heart and wide open arms.

And that’s when I decide again to trust in God who will bring to me the right child at the right time. I shouldn’t worry so much about the future and I certainly shouldn’t dwell on the past. I’ve wanted this for a long time and I’ve gone through the whole process. Social workers have judged me to be rightly equipped to do this on my own so now it’s up to me to believe in myself and ask for help when needed.