I’m not going to lie to you. Today I wish I’d never started a blog about anything. Today I wish I could hide away from the world. What was I thinking? Of course I only had happy thoughts and expectations and I could have never imagined that I would go through the trauma that I experienced this week. But I’ve made a commitment to myself, to my future child and to Mommymatters that I would write a weekly blog so here it goes. Just so you know. I’m writing this on Friday morning and things have cleared up a LOT.

I went to the home on Monday to meet Lerato, 4 month old baby girl. I played with her, helped with the bottle, bathing, spend some hours. My friend Gillian was with me. I thought Lerato was very cute, quiet baby, content and introvert.

On the way back in the car I had no idea what to do. How do I know that this is my baby? How does one KNOW 100%??? What am I supposed to feel? How do I know that she will be happy with me and that we belong together? I didn’t know what to do and felt terribly confused.

Then I started thinking who I could ask for advice. I guess it had to be God. I sent an email to the pastor of the church I go to. She had put me in touch with the baby home and was very excited for me and was asking all the time how things were going. I honestly told her that I didn’t know what to do. She gave me a verse to read: Phil 4:4-8. I read the verses and then the answer came to me about 1 split second later which was quite amazing: I can’t take this decision and I don’t want to take this decision now. The responsibility is too big and I can’t take it on my own. I need someone to take the decision for me. I can’t go out and look for a baby. There has to be some sense of belonging. So I decided that I want to wait for Child Welfare in Cape Town to match me with a baby. I’ve spend hours with them in workshops and interviews. They know me, they’ve visited my house and I see them each month at the Adoption Support group here in Cape Town. They will be able to support me after the adoption has taken place as well. I was very happy with my decision and I just wanted to go home and be in Cape Town. The next morning I still went back to see Lerato and to make sure that I’d taken the right decision. It also helped a lot that I knew Lerato was in good hands. The home is lovely with only 4 babies and I’m 100% sure that she will find her forever parents very soon.

In the afternoon I phoned the house-mom to tell her about my decision and then she said something that really kind of hurt although it was true. She said that she’s seen many families who came to adopt and she couldn’t see that I connected with Lerato so she also wouldn’t have advised me to adopt her. She then also told me that Lerato was actually not yet ‘ready’ for adoption. Social workers still needed to advertise for her to find possible family.

And then I started to worry and feel bad and think all the horrible things: Will I ever be able to connect with a baby? Why must I necessarily do this on my own? Why did my ex not want a future with me? Will I be able to give enough love by myself? Should I be doing this? Why complicating my life? And on and on and on and on….as one does.. And I just wanted to go home. I was in Johannesburg where I don’t know much, driving around with a GPS and just wanting to go home, home to Cape Town and walk the mountain.

I managed to fly back still on Tuesday night and I was so happy to smell the ocean and see my mountain. Now I know I need to be patient and I can’t go out looking for babies, the right one will come to me at the right time and this was not the right time. Wednesday I was so so sad and couldn’t stop crying and feeling sorry for myself but in the afternoon I started to feel better. After hiking Lion’s head again in the morning and being back home, the whole trauma is kind of over and I know I needed to go through this to understand. I’m now just chilling about the whole thing and focusing on my work, friends and enjoying life in Cape Town. Whatever happens will happen and I will patiently wait to see how life will unfold over the next couple of months or perhaps even years.

I wish I could ‘hide’ this blog but I feel very strongly about writing honest and open about my experience. It will hopefully be helpful for other adoptive parents-to-be.